Monday, March 28, 2011

How Do I Give It Up?

So, I guess the story doesn’t really have much of an ending. Not yet, anyway. But I wanted to seek advice and I knew I couldn’t ask for it without telling you my full story. I wanted to make sure that you understand how deep this runs for me.

So, here’s my question: How do I give this completely over to God?

There have been many times in my life that I have said that I was going to “give it to God”. But I never meant it. Things like choosing a college, deciding if I should marry Jake, where I should try to get a job, if and where and when to build a house. In every one of those situations I prayed that God’s hand would be in every aspect of these decisions and then I took over. I worried, and planned and acted however I chose to. I still controlled each of those situations.

But this, I can’t control. No amount of tracking, tests, diagnoses and doctors will ever allow me to control getting pregnant. So, instead of controlling, I just worry and stress about it for about 2 weeks of every month. And we aren’t even very far into this process!

How can I make myself stop thinking about it?

I mean babies are EVERYWHERE! I notice every pregnant woman and baby in every public place I ever am. There are furniture, clothes, food, billboards, laundry soap, websites, hair accessories, wrapping paper, jewelry, scrapbook paper, books, toys, country songs, TV shows and movies all focused on babies. How do you escape that?

Is it possible to “try” and not stress out? How do I let go of this and just let it happen? Is that even possible?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Part 3

Fine Print

Before reading this post please not my "fine print". I almost didn't write about this topic for fear of offending anyone or stepping on toes. But dang it, I need to vent and this is my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it :)

*** I know that many woman have had and are in worse situations. I know that we are just starting into this journey. I know that some of my fears are irrational. And above all else - I KNOW GOD IS IN CONTROL AND HAS HIS TIMING FOR EVERYTHING. But none of these facts have been able to stop my fears, worries and anxiety (those may all be synonyms).

So, please know, I am not throwing myself a pity party or saying I have it worse than anyone out there. I just need to share and most of all, I hope to find some advice from woman who have been through this. ***

Part 3

In January 2010, Jake and I decided it was time for us to start a family. We knew it would be expensive and hard but we felt ready. We had a home and we felt as financially stable as we could be. We don't believe in that whole "wait until you can afford it" thing. We agree that it will probably never feel like we can "afford" a child.

This lasted a month or two and then TPS started talking about layoffs. We knew that without insurance and two incomes we wouldn't be able to eat, much less take care of a child. So, we put that on hold. By the time I had another job lined up, I had a tonsillectomy scheduled for July and we all know that narcotic pain medications and pregnancy shouldn't mix. So, we let July and August go by and then we got back to business.

Hehe. Sorry for that :) I couldn't help myself. Besides, how else was I supposed to put it?

Then came September and then October. Nothing. Then November and December. Still nothing. Well, nothing for me anyways. At that point I think there was something in the water. It seemed like there were A LOT of pregnancy announcements all around us. It bothered me a lot at first and then I had a Come to Jesus moment and realized how incredibly selfish it was of my to feel anything less than excitement for those families.

In December I had my yearly appointment with "The Duck" and I talked to my OB/GYN about all of this. I knew that it was still too early to really get worried. But she started the conversation and I started asking questions.

She asked me the usual questions and noted my history of "irregularity" (sorry for the TMI, it's part of the story). She confirmed that it was still too early to be worried. But because of my history, she believed that I would PROBABLY NEED HELP GETTING PREGNANT. Those were the dreaded words I hoped to not ever hear.

She and I agreed that we would continue on for a few more months and if nothing happened then she would put me on Clomid. She explained that Clomid isn't a scary fertility drug but it just helps makes sure you ovulate regularly. We would try that for awhile and then go from there.

So, here we are at the end of March. Still - nothing. I think I will give it one more go around then call about the Clomid.

The purpose to this comes in Part 4...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I'm going to pause my story to tell all my millions of readers that...


In case you don't remember, because of budget cuts, TPS had to lay off 200ish teachers last school year. They basically laid off all first-year teachers, that included me. We all received letters in April and had to sign something saying we understood the process and blah, blah. blah. It was very stressful!

Especially since I was told in the middle of a faculty meeting. That was the longest meeting ever! I was barely able to hold it together on the way back to my room where I immediately burst into tears in my reading loft.

But I'm not bitter.

Ok, I am. I just think that was very unprofessional of my principal.

I digress...

Thankfully, I was called by my current school 2 days into the summer and the principal offered me a pre-k position for the following year! Such a blessing! Unfortunately, I had to wait until August to sign my contract, which meant nothing was final until my signature was on that paper. Which in turn meant that I was stressed out until August. But everything worked out fine and I have enjoyed my year here.

BUT because our state legislature continues to make choices that aren't in the best interest of education, we are looking at another year of financial crisis. So, needless to say, I was worried that I would have to deal with another layoff this year.

And then I got an e-mail from our union this morning talking about the different decisions that they have bargained for recently. One of those decisions was:

"We agreed. Unless there are performance issues, there will be no letters sent to teachers notifying them that they do not have jobs next year. This is a huge victory for all teachers. In a year when stimulus funds are to end, the district has agreed to continue the employment of all teachers, including first years and new hires, into the next school year."

WHICH MEANS I HAVE A JOB FOR NEXT YEAR! I may have to move schools, depending on the decisions made from the Project School House, but I WILL HAVE A JOB!

What a load off my shoulders. I cried when I saw the e-mail and immediately called Jake. We hadn't really discussed much of any of this but it has been in the back of our minds for awhile now.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Part 2

In case you missed it, Part 1 was about how I believe God created me to work with children and be a mom.

*** Just a little disclaimer, I am NOT pregnant. I don't want to start any rumors :)

I met my husband, Jake, while we were at college at Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, OK. We were both very involved with the same campus ministry, the Baptist Collegiate Ministries (BCM). Our circles of friends overlapped and we attended the same church. But there were two definite events in my mind that made Jake stick out to me, way before our relationship began.

1) At a state-wide BCM event, Jake accepted Christ. He stood up, walked forward at the invitation and took care of his soul for eternity. Big deal, lots of us do this, right? The thing about this was that Jake was already an active member of the BCM and a church. He had been on mission trips and was a leader at the BCM. All these would have led us to believe that he was already a member of God's kingdom. But that night he went forward in front of all of us to make that life changing decision and he was baptized a few Sunday's later in our church. I remember thinking that night how much courage it must have taken to walk forward and show us that he was doing all of these things but still needed to humble himself before God. I don't know if I explained that well. But I just noticed him that night, ok :)

2) The youth pastor of our church and his wife, lost their youngest son when he was only 9 months old. It was tragic and from what I understand (please forgive me if I am wrong), there was never any real explanation, he just stopped breathing. This was an event that rocked our whole church and a good portion of the community we lived in. To help cope with their grief the youth minister, his wife and their two boys came to counseling at the BCM with our directors.

(A side note of background information - The BCM was open to students all day long. We could come in and do homework, watch TV, take naps, seek advice, meet with other students, play pool, etc whenever we wanted to. Several of us took advantage of this meeting place and spent many free afternoons avoiding homework there.)

I specifically remember one afternoon that the youth pastor was there with his family. He and his wife were speaking with the directors behind closed doors and their two boys were sitting in the main room of the BCM. Jake came in, saw the boys, picked up a ball and immediately the fun began. The ran all over the BCM, laughing and having a grand time. I watched them with a smile, knowing that those boys were having a good time despite what they were going through. And I thought to myself how great of a father Jake was going to make someday. He was having so much fun with them and he didn't even care that he looked like a big goofball!

I knew from those two things that he was a man worth getting to know. I knew that he was willing to put God before himself and that he would make a good father. It wasn't an easy road, and things happened that I am not proud of but in the end I found my best friend and husband.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Part 1

I enjoy every aspect of children. From children's shows, movies, clothes, room decorations, toys, and books. To their laughter, tears, eduction, development and view on life. Even the dirty stuff doesn't deter me. Ok, puke bothers me, but I can handle slobber, spit up, pee and poop of all colors and variety. I am a teacher and I have worked in daycare and have spent countless hours in church nurseries across this country caring for children of all ages.

It has been this way all of my life. I can't remember a time that I wanted to be anything other than a teacher. I have always been drawn to children. ESPECIALLY babies. Don't believe me? Bring your child within 50 yards of me. Not only will I notice their presence, no matter what I am doing, but my eyes will light up and a smile will come to my face. I can't help it. I try to stop myself sometimes, but it's just part of me.

I walk around wal-mart trying to make babies smile, I read parenting magazines at any doctor's office, I will look at all photos of babies posted by my friends on facebook. It is just hardwired into my brain.

When working in daycare people would say to me, "I bet working there is good birth control!" Nope, not for me. I so enjoyed my time there. I learned SO MUCH about young children. I learned from the other workers most of whom were moms themselves. I learned a lot of good methods of parenting and lots of bad. And mostly, I learned to be comfortable with every (almost) aspect of young children. From diaper blow outs, acid reflux, being peed on, diaper rashes, yeast infections, burping, making bottles, breast milk, heart monitors. Not to mention a fire in the daycare and a toddler choking on a hair clip. Not only did these things not turn me away from parenting, they actually made me fall in love with the idea even more and feel more comfortable with it all!

You know what all these crazy (and sometimes a little creepy) things tell me? God created me to care for children. There is no doubt about that. And I am so glad (most of the time) that my job is to care for children. BUT I also believe that God created my in this way to be a mother.

To be continued...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I wish...

There are an awful lot of things on my wishlist these days. If only we could stumble on a large sum of money....
I would buy one of these. I borrowed one from my friend and it makes EVERYTHING easier in the kitchen. I can whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies in 15 minutes with one of these!
I really wanted one of these that The Pioneer Woman gave away. But alas, I did not win.
I want a privacy put up so we can enjoy ourselves in our backyard. Did you know it costs a good $3300 to have one installed? Jeez! And it will cost us at least $2000 to do it ourselves. Sigh...
And when we have a fence, we can finally get one of these guys. It doesn't matter what kind. Jake wants a dog he can play fetch with and look manly besides. We want to adopt a dog that is about a year old.
And in that backyard I would love this lovely patio set from Sam's Club. It has a wonderful lazy susan and 6 chairs.

And I so badly would love to have a closet full of clothes. Clothes that fit me well, are stylish, fun and comfortable. My walk-in closet looks pathetically empty.
I would love this bedroom set. We currently have hand-me-down dressers that are small and the drawers don't work well. And we have no headboard, just the frame and matresses.

But forget all of that stuff. What I want more than anything in this world...
But as it turns out, these aren't as easy to come by as you would think! EVERYWHERE I look, there are pregnant woman. Everywhere, except my own mirror...