So, I guess the story doesn’t really have much of an ending. Not yet, anyway. But I wanted to seek advice and I knew I couldn’t ask for it without telling you my full story. I wanted to make sure that you understand how deep this runs for me.
So, here’s my question: How do I give this completely over to God?
There have been many times in my life that I have said that I was going to “give it to God”. But I never meant it. Things like choosing a college, deciding if I should marry Jake, where I should try to get a job, if and where and when to build a house. In every one of those situations I prayed that God’s hand would be in every aspect of these decisions and then I took over. I worried, and planned and acted however I chose to. I still controlled each of those situations.
But this, I can’t control. No amount of tracking, tests, diagnoses and doctors will ever allow me to control getting pregnant. So, instead of controlling, I just worry and stress about it for about 2 weeks of every month. And we aren’t even very far into this process!
How can I make myself stop thinking about it?
I mean babies are EVERYWHERE! I notice every pregnant woman and baby in every public place I ever am. There are furniture, clothes, food, billboards, laundry soap, websites, hair accessories, wrapping paper, jewelry, scrapbook paper, books, toys, country songs, TV shows and movies all focused on babies. How do you escape that?
Is it possible to “try” and not stress out? How do I let go of this and just let it happen? Is that even possible?
3 comments:
I will say it once and a million times. It never gets easier. I have Lexi now and I'm so grateful and thankful. But the part of me that feels like I may never get to experience pregnancy again makes me bitter. Even when my friends get pregnant now, it still hurts. It shouldn't. I should be able to be truly happy for them. But, I'm not. "Why can't it be me?" is all I ever feel. I do baby showers, I make baby blankets, hats, booties, etc. That person will be able to feel that I am truly happy for them. But, my heart still aches.
As Missy said...infertility can totally ruin your marriage, and not just the sex part. That's where you have to let God come in. I thank God every day for Lexi. But I also believe that the tests, procedures, appts etc. is something that God put in our lives for a reason!
I have struggled with fears and what-ifs my whole life. And if you or I am not careful, they can completely rob us of our joy and make us completely worthless Christians. So you have got to do whatever it takes to not let Satan keep that foothold on your brain.
Sure, there will be times where you can be sad or upset or whatever, but we can't be dwelling in those things long term. Jesus says to look at the bird of the air? Are we not so much more important yet our heavenly father feeds them? Our timing and our preferences may not be the Lords, but he can also change the desires of our hearts to match his.
This verse is such a comfort to me:
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
Whenever you have those thoughts - thoughts of being inadequate, thoughts of blaming yourself or your hubby or whoever, thoughts that your timing is perfect, thoughts of I want this and I want it NOW, thoughts of being not content with your life or marriage, take those thoughts CAPTIVE and make those thoughts OBEDIENT TO CHRIST. Lay them at his feet. Memorize that verse and others similar. Meditate on them. Pray them over and over. Verses about peace, contentment, and the Lord's plan for us.
This is a spiritual battle, girlfriend. You remember that your heavenly Father LOVES you and he has a PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE. And don't let Satan keep you from being a minister to Christ for others and don't let Satan rob you of your joy and freedom in Christ. Rest in knowing the Lord has a perfect plan for you and we just have to be obedient.
I think high levels of stress can also work against you in trying to get pregnant, by the way. so try to relax if you can. (-:
I don't know if that helped at all. But take heart!
~Kathryn
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